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Synoptical Horoscope
Synoptical Horoscope

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Sorrowscopes

By David Doyle

13Aries

Aries

Finding reasons to leave the house this winter might be difficult for Arians this week, especially with the news that X-Factor could be disappearing from our screens. But never fear, as I’m A Celebrity hits our screens in the build-up to Christmas, now is the time to don your hats and coats and venture to the local store to stock up on Doritos and cheese & chive dips to fill the void where loneliness lurks. You never know, you might even cure that deep longing for something, anything to happen in your pathetic attempt at living.

 

12Taurus

Taurus

You might be a raging bull full of fight, but try looking in the mirror one more time before you decide to unleash your unjustified ego onto the world. Being ugly isn’t the end of the world, that’s true, but neither is it a reason to be happy. So the next time you men decide to wear your trousers halfway down your legs displaying your arse to the world, or you women decide to do the same with your breasts, remember what this famously dead person once said: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”; in other words, stop thinking you’re all that and calm yourself. 

 

11Gemini

Gemini

You lot think you are so cute with your “I’m a split personality, happy one minute, sad the next” persona. Well let me tell you how the rest of us feel — bored with your crap. This week you are going to have to make a decision, or your family and friends are going to end up, just like last year, with Christmas presents bought from the 24-hour petrol station on Christmas Eve. Nobody finds it cute, not even other Geminis, so do yourself a favour and comb your hair, join the queue, and make a decision. Or at least think about it.

 

10Cancer

Cancerians can expect some well overdue luck coming their way this week. Firstly, it is highly likely that a man or a woman will win the lottery this week. And secondly, it has just been announced that, despite what some silly websites might be saying, Harry Styles is relatively STI free, despite the fact he has been bed-hopping more than a kangaroo on Viagra. Susan Boyle is also free and single, so, why not get on Tinder start swiping people in Blackburn.

 

9Leo

Leo

You are the luckiest of all the signs because you share your astrological make-up with the futile Daniel Radcliffe. And similarly to the directionless Harry Potter star, after spending the early part of your life in the limelight, you are now facing a long period of confusion about who you are or what you represent. Unlike Radcliffe, however, you do not have the luxury of looking twelve years younger than you actually are, nor can you count on your previous successes to pay your mortgage. Unless you are actually Daniel Radcliffe who is reading this future-predicting column in the hope of something good to look forward to, in which case, you do.

 

8Virgo

Virgo

Please see Leo, but disregard all mention of Daniel Radcliffe.

 

7Libra

Libra

As as Libra you are perfect. This week, as with every other week of the year, you can do pretty much whatever you like: scream “perfect!” at random intervals during your morning commute; or when tipping restaurant waiting staff, drop a pound coin on the floor, click your fingers, and say “fetch”; better still, you could mess with OAPs’ heads by trick-or-treating on the last day of November. Why? Because you can. Then sit back and relax, safe in the knowledge that people cannot judge you within your padded cell.

 

6Scorpio

Scorpio

As a shy but flash, tough but sensitive, individual team player, I can assure you your week will be full of as much nonsense as usual. Put simply, I do not understand how Scorpios operate something as simple as even a lightswitch. As a transient being, your constant need for change is exhausting; not just to your own heart, mind, and soul, but to everyone who knows you — and, yes, that includes your parents (if they really are your parents). My advice for this week is the following: do nothing. Stay in bed, keep the curtains drawn, and contemplate where you have been going wrong. For failure seems to be the only thing that gives you some permanency.

 

5Saggy-hairy-arse

Sagittarius

I would like to tell you a very important, moral story about a Sagittarian… but I shan’t because it is painfully boring to the point where even a principled and dedicated astrologer such as myself would feel the need to question my faith in this extremely fruitful belief. Therefore, I will instead invite you to send me the sum of five-pounds and, in return, I will gladly send you a *free invitation to my next seminar.

*Administration fees apply. £1299, but only to the first 8 billion applicants.

 

4Capricorn

Capricorn

The Christmas babies have a huge week to look forward to. With Christmas and birthday just around the corner, you can expect, as usual, double the amount of presents during the festive season. Only trouble is, it did not seem to work like that when you were a kid, did it? Did you have parents who squeaked when they walked? When Dad opened his wallet, did moths fly out of it? Hmmm that is what I thought. But at least you are a Christmas baby… which is cute… I guess. Anyway, merry Christmas and a bla-bla-bla and all that.

 

3Aquarius

Aquarius

As an Aquarian myself, I know how you feel. The constant struggle to be so great all the time is hard work, and the barrage of interest from the opposite sex gets tiring to the point of considering celibacy. Understanding self is difficult too: one minute the stars lead us to humanitarianism, making us feel morally superior; and then the stars claim all Aqua babies are duplicitous, deeming us the lovechild of Janine Butcher and Jeffrey Archer (but without her moustache or his boobs). And all this on top of the fact that, if we were merely one starsign earlier, we could have been Christmas babies. Life, eh?

 

2Pisces

Philosophy lesson #1: A fish living in Uranus… discuss.

If anyone has any queries with regards to the accuracy of sorrowscopes’ astrological descriptions, please look up to the stars an ponder… you will surely get the answer you are seeking. OR COMMENT AND SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS.

 

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